Our patience will achieve more then our force. (Edmund Burke)

You know, I realized something just a second ago as I started to write this post. I start almost everything I want to say with the word "so". I think I have been doing a fairly decent job of stopping myself but it is a conscious effort and I usually write it out then erase it, and find a different way to start my post. Just thought I would share. haha.

That is not anywhere near close to what this post is about. As you may be able to guess from the quote, I'm going to be talking about patience.

I was thinking this week about what I've learned the most in the past month or so. I haven't really done as good at meeting goals and developing habits as I would have liked (not that I'm just gonna stop working on that stuff), and because of that I was feeling a little down and wondering what the point of this whole last month has been if I haven't grown or changed or anything. But then, earlier today, I realized that there is at least one major area which is totally different for me now. And I'm not saying that this is the only thing that I've grown in or learned or whatever, I know that there is a lot. But it is one that just happened to stick out to me today and I thought I would share a bit about it.

Patience is something I've always struggled with. It was a really big struggle for me when I was younger, but as I've gotten older I've gotten a little bit better at stopping myself from doing or saying things out of impatience. On top of that, I like to plan out everything I do and be prepared. This way I can get things done as quickly as possible because I know exactly what needs to happen and when and how etc etc. Well this month has been horrible for me in that regard (oh and just real quick, when I say month, I don't mean March... I mean the time since Feb. 11 till now. just fyi...). I have had no control over most of what has been happening, and every time I've felt like I've known enough about what was going on to make some plans, something has come up to change those plans. It's been so frustrating to me--because it's pulled my so far out of my comfort zone and normal mode of operation--that even when good things have happened to change my plans, I've gotten upset and angry about it (actually, it was at that point that I realized that my plans really mean nothing in the whole big scheme of things. I can try all I want to decide what I'm gonna do, but God has the final say in that). There have been many many times when I have wanted to say things, or ask questions like "when" or "if..." so that I could try to get a small grasp of control on situations, or plan or prepare myself for what may come. My natural reaction is to try to learn everything I can about a situation and what people are planning on doing and how things are headed and all that. But, finally today, I realized that, while those thoughts are still the first to cross my mind, I've learned to just wait. And be patient. To take each day, each moment even, and just let things happen and not worry about it until the time comes. I was pretty suprised when I found myself thinking in that way... "just wait." I never thought I would tell myself that.

Unfortunately, this isn't always the way that I handle things. Sometimes, I start thinking about what could happen, and how I have no control over it, no say in it, and I start freaking out. I break down, I get emotional and starting thinking that the world is going to end and life isn't worth it anymore and blah blah. Then I have to stop myself from thinking about what could be ahead and just focus on the day. I usually go find something to do to occupy my mind. But I'm getting a whole lot better and not thinking about what could happen, or stopping when I do. When this all first started, I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to take life day by day. But I learned pretty quick. Its almost a survivaly mechanism now.

Ok well that was a lot of just rambling. Apparently I am tired. All that to say, I have learned how to wait, and just let things happen and to just be patient and let other people live their lifes and then go from there rather then trying to control everything and everyone around me. Its really nice actually. Which I'm sure anyone could have told me. I am just stubborn and had to figure it out the hard way.