i'm going to smile like nothings wrong, talk like everythings perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend like its not killing me
So today could have been really good. And really, it wasn't bad until about 4:00. Then everything kinda just went downhill.
I got my room clean. And did some re-organizing too. Didn't get my car cleaned out but its supposed to warm tomorrow too so I will try to do it then. Not any closer to figuring life out though. Still working on that one. Oh wait... Matt will have the car tomorrow. And I teach... well never mind.
Wasabi was fun. We had a really great table, all kids (well not really kids, but Randall was the oldest one... no parents or anything lol). The cook was hilarious. I sat in between Jodi and Anne and it was just a really good time. For the most part. I got some news that kinda spoiled things a bit, but I'm not going to get into that quite yet.
So I mentioned 4:00 earlier. I got a call from this guy who was hiring. I was really excited about getting the job but now I'm not sure. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation. So, I don't know. Its kind of disappointing as it pays pretty well and seems like a job I would be good at. I just don't think its a good idea. I'll just have to keep looking, and trust that God has a place for me somewhere out there in the working world.
I'm reallly tired right now. I feel like I got beat up... or got run over by a train or something. I feel defeated. That's a good word for it. I just don't have much left right now. All I'm really focusing on now is basic survival... just get through the day without breaking down. Take everything in stride and don't let it overwhelm me. I feel like I could be very easily overwhelmed at this point. I was going to say something else... what was it? Oh yes. I wish I could just run away from all of my problems, and ignore them till they went away. But I can't. Well I guess I could actually. I could go off to college in Hawaii or something. That would be nice. But I'm not going to. I'm gonna stay here and weather the storm. This is where I belong.
I really would like a job though. I am growing up, and I don't have the means to support that. I'm ready to be responsible and get a job and a car that doesn't turn off every time you slow down, and an apartment sometime. I guess I am ready to just be on my own. I don't know why. Moving out isn't going to make all my problems go away, unless I move out and then move to like, Alaska or something. I think, I would rather just have to worry about me. I have never really been one to ask for help, I've always wanted to do things on my own and that is true now more then ever. I just want to be able to do my own thing. I don't even want to do anything different then I am now... I just want to do it alone. I'm weird, I know. And, that'll probably last like a week before I come running for help. But I still want to give it a shot. Its become pretty clear that its not going to happen in my timing, but in God's. I just wish it would happen sooner rather then later. But He's the one who sees the big picture. I'll trust Him with the timing.
I got my room clean. And did some re-organizing too. Didn't get my car cleaned out but its supposed to warm tomorrow too so I will try to do it then. Not any closer to figuring life out though. Still working on that one. Oh wait... Matt will have the car tomorrow. And I teach... well never mind.
Wasabi was fun. We had a really great table, all kids (well not really kids, but Randall was the oldest one... no parents or anything lol). The cook was hilarious. I sat in between Jodi and Anne and it was just a really good time. For the most part. I got some news that kinda spoiled things a bit, but I'm not going to get into that quite yet.
So I mentioned 4:00 earlier. I got a call from this guy who was hiring. I was really excited about getting the job but now I'm not sure. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation. So, I don't know. Its kind of disappointing as it pays pretty well and seems like a job I would be good at. I just don't think its a good idea. I'll just have to keep looking, and trust that God has a place for me somewhere out there in the working world.
I'm reallly tired right now. I feel like I got beat up... or got run over by a train or something. I feel defeated. That's a good word for it. I just don't have much left right now. All I'm really focusing on now is basic survival... just get through the day without breaking down. Take everything in stride and don't let it overwhelm me. I feel like I could be very easily overwhelmed at this point. I was going to say something else... what was it? Oh yes. I wish I could just run away from all of my problems, and ignore them till they went away. But I can't. Well I guess I could actually. I could go off to college in Hawaii or something. That would be nice. But I'm not going to. I'm gonna stay here and weather the storm. This is where I belong.
I really would like a job though. I am growing up, and I don't have the means to support that. I'm ready to be responsible and get a job and a car that doesn't turn off every time you slow down, and an apartment sometime. I guess I am ready to just be on my own. I don't know why. Moving out isn't going to make all my problems go away, unless I move out and then move to like, Alaska or something. I think, I would rather just have to worry about me. I have never really been one to ask for help, I've always wanted to do things on my own and that is true now more then ever. I just want to be able to do my own thing. I don't even want to do anything different then I am now... I just want to do it alone. I'm weird, I know. And, that'll probably last like a week before I come running for help. But I still want to give it a shot. Its become pretty clear that its not going to happen in my timing, but in God's. I just wish it would happen sooner rather then later. But He's the one who sees the big picture. I'll trust Him with the timing.
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