Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours (C. S. Lewis)
So I've already changed my mind about the format of my blog here. It'll take me a little while to find my voice and what works best for me... it'll be a journey. I will probably still mention the weather though. Just because that's me... I've talked about my obsession with the weather already.
Tuesday and Wednesday had really warm weather. It was so nice to have a break from the cold. All the snow is gone now, but its just supposed to start snowing again so we'll see how long that lasts. It rained very hard last night and it was really windy. We lost power around midnight, I don't know when it came back on but it was back when I woke up. Its supposed to be colder today, about 40 with snow and clouds. Its supposed to be sunny tomorrow though--well partly cloudy I guess--which I am very excited about that. The sun makes such a difference. Alright I think that's it for the weather... moving on to other things.
Tuesday and Wednesday had really warm weather. It was so nice to have a break from the cold. All the snow is gone now, but its just supposed to start snowing again so we'll see how long that lasts. It rained very hard last night and it was really windy. We lost power around midnight, I don't know when it came back on but it was back when I woke up. Its supposed to be colder today, about 40 with snow and clouds. Its supposed to be sunny tomorrow though--well partly cloudy I guess--which I am very excited about that. The sun makes such a difference. Alright I think that's it for the weather... moving on to other things.
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I'm watching a documentary on Abe Lincoln right now. Its pretty interesting. I have studied a lot of Civil War history, but never really studied that much in detail about Lincoln specifically. I love history though, I could watch documentaries all day. My favorite vacations are the ones we take to historical sights like Gettysburg or Williamsburg. Any place with history is interesting to me. I would love to live in some old city somewhere with museums and old historical houses and buildings to visit. Maybe someday.
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So yesterday was a really tough day for me. I started hyperventilating and almost passed out at one point in time. That was fun. Even as I was laying there trying to breathe, I was thinking "this is kinda cool... I've always wondered what this would feel like." (yes I know, I have some issues... more then anyone really knows I think). I am having to do something that I don't want to do at all. I cannot express how badly I wish I didn't have to do it. But at the same time, I think I can be a much better person at the end of it. I still don't want to do it. I feel like I'm being sent to rehab, that's the best way I can describe it. Maybe it will be good for me (most likely it will, I will probably be thankful and the end of it) but I am so angry about it at the moment. Its going to hurt so bad. I am so scared. I have an amazing opportunity to grow closer to God and trust in His will and His love for me... but I do not want to give away what means the most to me. This is where my quote for the day comes in. I know in my head that I have to put everything into God's hands and that what I have is not really mine and all that, but just knowing it isn't good enough. I have to be able to do it and trust that even when I let go of my little rope that I am hanging onto for dear life here, that God will catch me and He will hold onto me, and I don't need to worry about holding onto anything with my own strength anymore.
Even as I write all this though, I am fighting against it. I don't want to accept it, because I don't want it to be necessary. As if somehow, hanging onto things and trying to do it on my own will be better then giving it over to God. As if I think that, if I refuse to let God have these things, He will say, "Okay, never mind, you can keep it". This is still going to happen, I have no control over it. I can fight as hard as I want, but that's not going to make a difference.
There is another quote I found, also by C.S. Lewis, that really spoke to me. "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” I know that God loves me and that He is in complete control and nothing can happen to me or in my life that He does not allow to happen first. And I know that He will not send anything my way that I cannot handle without His help. I can try to get through this on my own, and I may survive even. I am a pretty strong girl. I can handle a lot emotionally and physically. I am very stubborn and self-sufficient. I don't ask for help very often. But why settle for merely surviving? Why try so hard to do this on my own when God is willing to give me all the help I need? I may be able to survive, but surviving doesnt necessarily equal suceeding. If I do this on my own, what kind of a person will I be at the end of it? Will I be trusting and have an amazing faith and love for Christ that I don't have now? No. I may be "tough" at the end of this, stronger because of all the fighting I will have done to just get through... but I will also be bitter. I will be angry at the people around me who have put me in this situation. I will be angry at God and even more distant from Him then I am now, rather then closer to Him then I ever have been before. I will probably be very self-righteous. I won't want to admit that any of it was my fault at all... even though some of it may be.
With all that being said, I still DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!! I don't want to go through this... its going to hurt so bad. Its going to get really annoying... people are going to get really annoying. They are going to want to help and I am not going to want it. I can ask God for help, but people are a different story. I can't even imagine what the future is going to be like for me. I don't know where I am going to be in two months. I don't know how I am supposed to plan for my future because I have no control over it any more. None. That sucks. Well I guess thats not true. I could just leave everything behind completely and choose a completely new future. I could run away, just quit and not have to worry about the uncertainty anymore. But there is nothing in me that wants to do that. Nothing at all... I have no desire to leave or give up. Quitting has never crossed my minds as an acceptable option. I have only thought about it enough to say heck no. So the one step that would give me any sort of control over my future, I absolutely refuse to take. I hate this more then anything I have ever dealt with before. I am angry right now. I am angry at the situation more then the people involved. Some of that anger flows over to people on occasion but I don't want to be mad at my friends. Some of the anger comes from not being quite as optimistic as the people around me, and not really believing that everything is going to be as ok as they say it is, that things aren't going to work out the way that they think. But I shouldn't be putting my trust in people's words anyways. No matter how much they want something to happen or they want to help me, they have no more control over that then I do at this point. I guess I can't blame them if God has a different plan for me getting through this then they do.
Like I said earlier, I will probably be thankful at the end of this. I need to stop listening to the reasons that people are giving me as to why this is taking place and look for what God's purpose is in all of this. I can't do this for any one person, or even for myself. I have to this, and everything else, for God. For too long time I have been living my life to serve people, telling myself that because it was good things that I have been doing, then I must have been doing them for God but thats not the case. People will let me down, whether they mean to or not or want to or not, and I will lose my reasons for doing things, and I will get hurt for doing things, unless I am doing them as worship to the perfect God who will never ever let me down or fail me and who will never hurt me.
Its been a long since I have had a personal relationship with God. I have been relying on my actions in a way, like going on a date with someone but never talking to them or getting to know them. I am all involved in good Christian things but I have put those things in the place of an actual relationship with Christ. I feel like I am almost starting over from scratch with my relationship with God as I head into this because I have done such a horrible job lately. When I don't feel like He is there, its very easy to remember that I am the one who walked away and He never ever left. Now the trick is finding my way back to Him and believing that He still wants the relationship that I didnt feel I needed. I know He does. I know He loves me and all that. I think I almost "know" too much in my head... like just knowing it is all that matters. Now its time to put it into action in my life. To move beyond just knowing something and actually making it a part of who I am.
Well this has turned into a really long post. Even as I have been writing I have been experiencing a ton of different emotions. This still sucks. I still don't want to do this. The next statement I make is going to sound so incredibly dumb (but what can I say other that I am human and fallen and stubborn to get my own way) but even if I am an amazing person at the end of it and it is the most amazing experience, I don't want to do it. Nothing seems worth the sacrifice. At the moment. I don't think that will always be the case. It had better not. There had better be a purpose to all this. I'm pretty confident that there is. But I am so scared. I am scared to let go of my rope--my lousy little rope that is fraying and wearing out and not going to be able to hold me much longer--and fall into God's arms.
One more thought and then I am done. You have to be willing to fall before God can catch you. He won't force you to let go of the rope. Before I can rest in His arms, I have to let go. I can't do both at the same time. I can't hang onto my rope and say that I am really trusting God. It seems like it would be so much easier if God would come and get me while I am still hanging on. If I could get the results of trusting without having to actually do it. It doesnt work that way. God wants us to trust Him, He wants us to know that we can fully and completely rely on Him in any situation, and that won't happen unless He gives us opportunities to build our trust in Him. A kid can never learn how to do something until they are allowed to try. You can't learn to drive unless you get behind the wheel. You can't learn to trust if there is no fall after you let go. Thats the kind of situation that builds "knowing". I have never had to actually trust God with something so important to me like this. I can say I trust Him all I want... but is it true? And you know, things will happen whether I trust Him or not. He gains nothing out of me trusting Him. I'm the one who will be so much better off because of it. It may be scary for a little bit--that time between when I let go, and when I feel His arms around me--but that moment when I am safe in His arms will be worth it.
Even as I write all this though, I am fighting against it. I don't want to accept it, because I don't want it to be necessary. As if somehow, hanging onto things and trying to do it on my own will be better then giving it over to God. As if I think that, if I refuse to let God have these things, He will say, "Okay, never mind, you can keep it". This is still going to happen, I have no control over it. I can fight as hard as I want, but that's not going to make a difference.
There is another quote I found, also by C.S. Lewis, that really spoke to me. "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” I know that God loves me and that He is in complete control and nothing can happen to me or in my life that He does not allow to happen first. And I know that He will not send anything my way that I cannot handle without His help. I can try to get through this on my own, and I may survive even. I am a pretty strong girl. I can handle a lot emotionally and physically. I am very stubborn and self-sufficient. I don't ask for help very often. But why settle for merely surviving? Why try so hard to do this on my own when God is willing to give me all the help I need? I may be able to survive, but surviving doesnt necessarily equal suceeding. If I do this on my own, what kind of a person will I be at the end of it? Will I be trusting and have an amazing faith and love for Christ that I don't have now? No. I may be "tough" at the end of this, stronger because of all the fighting I will have done to just get through... but I will also be bitter. I will be angry at the people around me who have put me in this situation. I will be angry at God and even more distant from Him then I am now, rather then closer to Him then I ever have been before. I will probably be very self-righteous. I won't want to admit that any of it was my fault at all... even though some of it may be.
With all that being said, I still DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!! I don't want to go through this... its going to hurt so bad. Its going to get really annoying... people are going to get really annoying. They are going to want to help and I am not going to want it. I can ask God for help, but people are a different story. I can't even imagine what the future is going to be like for me. I don't know where I am going to be in two months. I don't know how I am supposed to plan for my future because I have no control over it any more. None. That sucks. Well I guess thats not true. I could just leave everything behind completely and choose a completely new future. I could run away, just quit and not have to worry about the uncertainty anymore. But there is nothing in me that wants to do that. Nothing at all... I have no desire to leave or give up. Quitting has never crossed my minds as an acceptable option. I have only thought about it enough to say heck no. So the one step that would give me any sort of control over my future, I absolutely refuse to take. I hate this more then anything I have ever dealt with before. I am angry right now. I am angry at the situation more then the people involved. Some of that anger flows over to people on occasion but I don't want to be mad at my friends. Some of the anger comes from not being quite as optimistic as the people around me, and not really believing that everything is going to be as ok as they say it is, that things aren't going to work out the way that they think. But I shouldn't be putting my trust in people's words anyways. No matter how much they want something to happen or they want to help me, they have no more control over that then I do at this point. I guess I can't blame them if God has a different plan for me getting through this then they do.
Like I said earlier, I will probably be thankful at the end of this. I need to stop listening to the reasons that people are giving me as to why this is taking place and look for what God's purpose is in all of this. I can't do this for any one person, or even for myself. I have to this, and everything else, for God. For too long time I have been living my life to serve people, telling myself that because it was good things that I have been doing, then I must have been doing them for God but thats not the case. People will let me down, whether they mean to or not or want to or not, and I will lose my reasons for doing things, and I will get hurt for doing things, unless I am doing them as worship to the perfect God who will never ever let me down or fail me and who will never hurt me.
Its been a long since I have had a personal relationship with God. I have been relying on my actions in a way, like going on a date with someone but never talking to them or getting to know them. I am all involved in good Christian things but I have put those things in the place of an actual relationship with Christ. I feel like I am almost starting over from scratch with my relationship with God as I head into this because I have done such a horrible job lately. When I don't feel like He is there, its very easy to remember that I am the one who walked away and He never ever left. Now the trick is finding my way back to Him and believing that He still wants the relationship that I didnt feel I needed. I know He does. I know He loves me and all that. I think I almost "know" too much in my head... like just knowing it is all that matters. Now its time to put it into action in my life. To move beyond just knowing something and actually making it a part of who I am.
Well this has turned into a really long post. Even as I have been writing I have been experiencing a ton of different emotions. This still sucks. I still don't want to do this. The next statement I make is going to sound so incredibly dumb (but what can I say other that I am human and fallen and stubborn to get my own way) but even if I am an amazing person at the end of it and it is the most amazing experience, I don't want to do it. Nothing seems worth the sacrifice. At the moment. I don't think that will always be the case. It had better not. There had better be a purpose to all this. I'm pretty confident that there is. But I am so scared. I am scared to let go of my rope--my lousy little rope that is fraying and wearing out and not going to be able to hold me much longer--and fall into God's arms.
One more thought and then I am done. You have to be willing to fall before God can catch you. He won't force you to let go of the rope. Before I can rest in His arms, I have to let go. I can't do both at the same time. I can't hang onto my rope and say that I am really trusting God. It seems like it would be so much easier if God would come and get me while I am still hanging on. If I could get the results of trusting without having to actually do it. It doesnt work that way. God wants us to trust Him, He wants us to know that we can fully and completely rely on Him in any situation, and that won't happen unless He gives us opportunities to build our trust in Him. A kid can never learn how to do something until they are allowed to try. You can't learn to drive unless you get behind the wheel. You can't learn to trust if there is no fall after you let go. Thats the kind of situation that builds "knowing". I have never had to actually trust God with something so important to me like this. I can say I trust Him all I want... but is it true? And you know, things will happen whether I trust Him or not. He gains nothing out of me trusting Him. I'm the one who will be so much better off because of it. It may be scary for a little bit--that time between when I let go, and when I feel His arms around me--but that moment when I am safe in His arms will be worth it.
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