No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. (C. S. Lewis)
I've been really angry today, and I don't really know why. Because of that, I started to think of why exactly it is that taking a break is bugging me so much. I mean really, if you think about it, all I am doing is not going to classes. So the only thing I won't get to do is teach, because I'm still gonna be training and stuff on my own time and everything. So why is this such a big deal and why am I getting this upset about it.
Well there are a couple different reasons that I have come up with. A lot of it has to do with control. I an a control freak. Not so much because I like the power or whatever, but because I get scared when I'm not in control of a situation. Like, being a passenger in a vehicle... when I'm not driving, I can get really freaked out. Its dumb, but that's me. It has to do with trust too I suppose. Gotta work on that. But anyways. I didn't have any control over when this break started, and I don't have any control over when I go back. That is the hardest thing for me right now--not knowing, or having a say even, in when I get to go back to regular training. That scares me so badly. I don't know what I will do if I get rejected when I ask to go back in a few months here. I can't even think about it right now. I can only hope that, by that time, I will have a better relationship and trust in God, because that's the only way I will be able to handle that rejection.
Alright moving on cause I honestly can't think about that any more without losing it. Another issue with taking a break is that I will have to train on my own with very little accountability. Which, isn't such a big deal, I mean we barely get to our upper rank curriculum in class anyways. But still, this is going to require a lot more work and dedication on my part. I won't be able to just show up at class and do what I'm told. I have to decide when my own training is going to take place, what I'm going to train on, and if I want partners to work with I'm gonna have to make the arrangements for that too. Apparently I am just a little bit lazy, and I have been taking my in class training time for granted.
Another thing is that, I just don't think I should have to take a break period. This thought doesn't usually last too long. I realize why this is taking place, and that I have been wrong in my priorities and that I can use this time to do a lot of good in my own life, and that hopefully it will help some good be done in some other people's lives. But I still don't want to do it. I don't think I will ever want to do it, and I will probably only appreciate it after its all over.
I picked today's quote for a specific reason. Its not as motivational as some of the others I have, but I'm really not in the mood to be motivational today. That was what yesterday was for. lol. The reason I picked that quote is because I am very much afraid. I am afraid that I will waste this opportunity I've been given. I'm afraid because its going to be hard, and I don't want to have to face that. I'm afraid of not getting to come back and/or of how long this break will end up being. I'm afraid of becoming bitter and staying angry and ruining relationships. I'm afraid of this break getting extended beyond the tentative time frame that is set at the moment, and how I'll handle that. I'm afraid of what things will be like when I get back. Ugh. There is so much that I am afraid of at the moment. But, all of those things are not really an issue at the moment. A few of them are, like how I spend my time etc. but for the most part, everything I am so scared of is happening in a few months anyways, not any time soon. I guess this is where living one day at a time comes into play. I can't let my fear of the future overwhelm me, I just have to face what each day brings.
Well there are a couple different reasons that I have come up with. A lot of it has to do with control. I an a control freak. Not so much because I like the power or whatever, but because I get scared when I'm not in control of a situation. Like, being a passenger in a vehicle... when I'm not driving, I can get really freaked out. Its dumb, but that's me. It has to do with trust too I suppose. Gotta work on that. But anyways. I didn't have any control over when this break started, and I don't have any control over when I go back. That is the hardest thing for me right now--not knowing, or having a say even, in when I get to go back to regular training. That scares me so badly. I don't know what I will do if I get rejected when I ask to go back in a few months here. I can't even think about it right now. I can only hope that, by that time, I will have a better relationship and trust in God, because that's the only way I will be able to handle that rejection.
Alright moving on cause I honestly can't think about that any more without losing it. Another issue with taking a break is that I will have to train on my own with very little accountability. Which, isn't such a big deal, I mean we barely get to our upper rank curriculum in class anyways. But still, this is going to require a lot more work and dedication on my part. I won't be able to just show up at class and do what I'm told. I have to decide when my own training is going to take place, what I'm going to train on, and if I want partners to work with I'm gonna have to make the arrangements for that too. Apparently I am just a little bit lazy, and I have been taking my in class training time for granted.
Another thing is that, I just don't think I should have to take a break period. This thought doesn't usually last too long. I realize why this is taking place, and that I have been wrong in my priorities and that I can use this time to do a lot of good in my own life, and that hopefully it will help some good be done in some other people's lives. But I still don't want to do it. I don't think I will ever want to do it, and I will probably only appreciate it after its all over.
I picked today's quote for a specific reason. Its not as motivational as some of the others I have, but I'm really not in the mood to be motivational today. That was what yesterday was for. lol. The reason I picked that quote is because I am very much afraid. I am afraid that I will waste this opportunity I've been given. I'm afraid because its going to be hard, and I don't want to have to face that. I'm afraid of not getting to come back and/or of how long this break will end up being. I'm afraid of becoming bitter and staying angry and ruining relationships. I'm afraid of this break getting extended beyond the tentative time frame that is set at the moment, and how I'll handle that. I'm afraid of what things will be like when I get back. Ugh. There is so much that I am afraid of at the moment. But, all of those things are not really an issue at the moment. A few of them are, like how I spend my time etc. but for the most part, everything I am so scared of is happening in a few months anyways, not any time soon. I guess this is where living one day at a time comes into play. I can't let my fear of the future overwhelm me, I just have to face what each day brings.
Comments
Post a Comment